I don't know how to write this post. How to put it all into words.
When I think back to my upbringing, I realize just how much I have internalized it. I keep telling myself it could have been worse, that I am more privileged than most, at least both my parents are alive and on the general more than nice people.
But it's not always been good for me. Ever since I was young there has been something in me, that wanted to put a little distance between me and them. It's tricky because I don't love them any less, and it's not that I won't miss them and I can't even say it because I don't know how to, I just can't be around them all the time.
There are darker days.
To begin, when I was young my dad was an alcoholic and addicted to cigarettes. This caused big tension between him and my mother. They used to get into these huge arguments, that were somehow always set off by my actions. They wouldn't talk to each other for weeks on end. In consequence, everyone surrounding my parents chose sides and every single time, I was always blamed for their issues, every damn time. I always felt so alone, I still do. I can remember my exact set of emotions after every fight even know as I write this. Loneliness. Pure and dark, I had no one of substance on my side, it was like everyone would just turn against me in a snap. They would blame me and interrogate me on every little thing that I did just to tell everyone what I did wrong and then they would pressure me into fixing their problems. Talk to them, figure out what's wrong. Why is your dad mad? Why is your mom not talking to him? They fought often while I was growing and it was like history was just on a loop. I was 5, 7, 8, 9 ,12, 14 ,15. Being alone is something I grew up with.
My mother is impatient, uncommunicative, and angry. She was quick to action instead of breathing and talking like I was, being the peacekeeping force like I was raised to be. I could never say what I was thinking because I would be filed under back talking or disrespecting her even though I was just trying to tell her why I did what I did or compromise. She is the queen of manipulation and twisting my words, somehow always finding more wrong with me than good. Today, she hit me several times with her fist, she threw a container at me and broke a couple things in the living room while she went at it. She asked me to fill out a couple forms for her online shopping order. I was in the middle of writing my essay you see, and I told her I would do it tomorrow when I had time. Apparently, that makes me ungrateful, because she tends to my every need and I can't take five seconds out of my day to complete her forms. I told her them a little more complex than that, I would need more than five seconds, I had time tomorrow to help her and apparently, that's me disrespecting her. My cheek is bruised today.
I think sometime around when I was 15 my dad was looking into having an affair. I was using his phone to call someone when I found the Ashley Madison app. I managed to get into his account, which wasn't hard, and I blame my curiosity. My dad had made an account and had contacted a few women. I don't know if it's lucky or not that no one answered, but a few weeks later the app was gone. I never thought about it again, until last week when I opened safari to google something and match.com was the last opened tab. I don't know how to process that, so I won't.
My dad like my mom is also quick to twist my words. To place blame onto me, when things don't go the way he would like it to. Even if those situations are actions that he has also done. Apparently, when he does what I do it's excusable. But I am not.
And finally, his public intoxication. He loves his whiskey, doesn't he? He stopped for 5 years and they were nice. My parents fought less and maybe its because he wasn't drinking but I can never know for sure. It was just better knowing that there was one less problem to deal with. But unfortunately, his five years are over. He is back to being drunk at other people's houses out in public on a day on the beach. Seeing him act like that in public is why I promised myself to never ever drink to the point where I act like that. Where I utterly embarrass everyone who came out with me. he doesn't think about how other people when that's all I think about.
Take this post how you want it, but I needed to write this. Tomorrow is the new year and this time I promise myself I will not let others make me unhappy. I am done crying over the terrible loneliness my family makes me feel and I promise I will move on. I will not be petty and I will not pursue anger. I'll be good. Sitting here, and taking all this pain, this pressure is absolutely and completely exhausting, and frankly, I cannot breathe anymore. I have no more tears for this anymore. I am done being what my parents made me because they couldn't think for five seconds and see what immense trauma they put on a little girl.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I'll be good.
I'll love the world like, I should.
If they want to be sad and angry let them, I choose to be happy today for all the times I never could
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