Complexity

       Something I did learn from my parents is how complex a single person can be. My mother's sweet and funny but she's also a manipulative pathological liar and daddy's supportive but he's also a drunk aggressive whore. So here we are, there are more than two sides to a person and it's something I have honestly struggled to come to terms with because how, the hell, do you react to someone like that? 

       It's not just the bad people in my life, it's everyone, I mean if you think about it, you and your variety of friend groups, you have different people for different sides of your personality. That's why people tell you not to mix your friend groups, like eating cake and ramen, a disaster, because each of them sees different sides of you. 

      Like a chameleon changes color, we change our personality for different people, to best thrive in the situations that they put us in. The best way to survive is the way we present ourselves, it's not always who we are and most of the time it's not even close, but in that situation, in that moments, it is who you tell yourself to be. 

       So you can understand how this makes everything more complicated. How it makes life more complicated. I mean fuck... it suddenly becomes like solving a Rubix cube to figure people out, to figure yourself out honestly, because at the end of the day the only person you can really control is yourself right? You can't make other people like you, you cant make them happy or angry or talk a certain way, or treat you a certain way. You can only do you, that's it, that's the card we get and we have only it to play. But it's hard when reading the other players just got 12 times harder. 

       I have a complicated relationship with my mother because when I'm around her constantly I don't know what personality I'm getting, how to react to things that happened yesterday with her when she was angry, and whether or not I have the luxury of bringing it back up today. Sometimes I am not fair with her, I know that, but I get to have bad days too, I get to be moody and I can't stop myself from reacting to things that happen. And in those moments I get her immediate reaction, even I would react the same. It's what comes after, the name-calling, the wishing that really under everything she wished I didn't exist. Then it's up to me to forget it because I just have to move past it and forgive her for her cruelty the next day, because otherwise it doesn't stop, and I can't take that.  

        Anyways, we got a little off-topic here, but the real question I have here is, what are we supposed to do? How do we see someone one way without seeing other parts, their demons, the side of them that's a monster, because I can't figure that out? It doesn't weigh even, I feel like that every time me and my dad get into a fight, because in the back of my I am screaming, how can he call me any less than I am after what he did. How do you not bring that back every single time. How do you move past it, how do you not scream internally when you get into a fight and fight the urge to drudge up the past. 

       I think I get these urges because I have never processed the emotions completely, I've never spoken about what happened with my parents, to the extent that it did, out loud to a single soul, ever. I know that that's a huge part of it.