Kadima

Kadima is the Hebrew word for forwarding. It is often used at times of graduation.
In a sense, I am graduating to. From my pain, it's been a couple days but its starting to hurt less.
I don't know where I really stand when it comes to the actions of my father's past, things are tense and awkward.
Now that I know everything, there is no way things will be the way they once were.
I can step back and remember what things were like before, its like two people exist within him, and before I could only see one at a time but now they are both blurring together and every nice fatherly thing he does is followed by the visions of his darkness. I can't separate the two anymore, I don't know if I will ever be able to.
It seems like they intend to sweep it under the rug, my parents I mean.
That I am angry about, even though the idea of divorce always scared me, I know their lives would be increasingly better if they were apart.
Each fight they have just gets bigger and the impacts last longer, it's dangerous, like a ticking time bomb, getting closer to exploding every time it hits the floor.

I, on the other hand, have a new perspective on life. The same one that made me see divorce as not the end of the world but a new beginning. I have realized the power and destruction of my own mind and loneliness have. Left alone I am left to my imagination which creates nightmares instead of dreams.
After talking to an amazing person in my life, she made me realize that I am responsible for my own happiness.
That the world is always going to be falling apart and to thrive in it, I have to actively seek out the ways and things that make me happy.
It would help me keep my sanity.


I do that now.
And it has been incredible.
I find joy in little things I would never have thought twice about last year.
Little things like eating breakfast.
Seeing the many colours in the sky.
Seeing the smiles on the faces of my friends.
The laughter we share when we burst out with our favourite songs.
The eyes on the cute boy I wanna kiss.
The smoke that floats to the sky from our crappy makeshift bong.
The smells of flowers and tangerines that come from my candle.
The way my dog falls asleep in your arms if you pet his head long enough.
Just listening to them talk about funny things that have happened.
Just hearing the song on the radio from that time we drove for ages together.
Just witnessing them fall back into some of the memories that we have made.

I am not always okay, but I am getting there.
I have come to realize that my situation sucks, but if I didn't have the people in my life that I do.
It would be a lot worse